Arrrrrgh, Rum Pirates.

Wharrrr, there’s trouble brewing down the Spanish Main.

Her Majesty’s Privateers, Diageo, today released a 13 page document detailing the dogged dealings of the Miami-Cuban Pirate conglomerate, Bacardi. Apparently, the Puerto Rican rummies have been trying to scupper Diageo’s moves to take Captain Morgan from the aforementioned quasi-state to the calm and defensible tax haven of St. Croix, in the U.S. Virgin Islands.

The Forty-fourth American President, Barack Obama has dispatched treasure ships to ensure that production of intoxicating liquors is not diminished, despite stormy conditions in the Economi Americas. By pushing the Privateers out of U.S. Sovereign territory, bot Bacardi and the Protectorate of Puerto Rico stand to reap ‘huge government subsidies’.

Bacardi is described as being ‘in league’ with the Governor of Puerto Rico and there are rumours about night moves regarding his daughter. Paul ‘Speake No Evil’ Rodriguez, a spokesman for San Juan-based Bacardi, had no comment to make on the matter.

I suppose that just in case there are any lawyers reading this, I had better include the original wire release for balance as well. I like mine better though, everything goes better with a few more pirates.


by. Ryan J. Donmoyer

Feb. 23 (Bloomberg) — Diageo Plc, the world’s biggest liquor distiller, accused rival Bacardi Corp. of “working behind the scenes” to sabotage tax incentives Diageo would receive for moving production of Captain Morgan rum to the U.S. Virgin Islands from Puerto Rico.

London-based Diageo, in a 13-page press release, said Bacardi is lobbying to kill Diageo’s deal to move production of the rum to St. Croix. If the agreement collapsed and Diageo were forced to move outside the U.S., Bacardi and Puerto Rico would stand to reap “huge government subsidies” under a federal tax program, Diageo said.

Bacardi, “which received tens of millions of dollars a year in annual government rum subsidies, has made a calculated decision to try to drive a competitor out of the United States even though it would be a disaster for the U.S. citizens of the Virgin Islands,” Guy Smith, executive vice president of Diageo North America, said in the release.

Diageo stands to receive as much as $2.7 billion in direct and indirect U.S. tax incentives by producing Captain Morgan rum on St. Croix under an agreement with the U.S. Virgin Islands government. The tax incentives were approved last year as part of a broader rescue of the financial system. The provision expired Dec. 31 and the U.S. Senate may consider extending it this week.

Paul Rodriguez, a spokesman for San Juan-based Bacardi, which has the world’s best-selling rum brand according to Euromonitor International Plc, which tracks such information, said he didn’t immediately have a comment.